Dissapointed

Life goes on. People moves on. God knows you can do it, so He let you do it. But when He knows you can't, He will handle it for you.

Life is very tough. Not financially, tough in every single part of it. Sometimes I am very dissapointed of myself, I left evrything behind. Schools, college, career, family, everything. For the sake of myself. Not being selfish, but sometimes I have to let go to see what is it out there that people are crazy of. I dont want to be like them. I just want to see things differently. I admit that I judge people a lot, but I truly didnt mean it. I still have the opposite opinion. I see both good and bad side of people. Sometimes I noticed judging people is a bad thing,sometimes I dont. Well, we can never run from being a dumb fuck.

Another thing that made me sad is that, I failed to motivate myself. Its one fucking simple thing to do, motivate. I dont need to be a queen to motivate myself, I dont need money to motivate myself, yet I fail to do so. I dont stand firm on everything. I dont have anyone to talk to. I have, but I chose to not to tell anyone what I am afraid of, what I feel, what I like and what I dislike! This is insane, how can a human being aged 22 think so much????

I really hope nobody read this. I just want to make it public so I can feel better. Well I do hope a stranger read this. I dont hate my life, I just hate myself for not doing good enough. No one motivates me. Even me, I cant tell myself what to do. I dont have any good words to tell to myself.

All I do is sleep, wake up and get a stupid cold shower, go out, eat, cry, nap, laugh, tell jokes, but I never felt happy. All I can see is a very dirty-looking thoughts, ripping off my brain. I lose faith. I cant even pray when I know I have to, I want to. This is so tough. I am being emotional for months already, I did lots of fun things but dont compare. My level of thinking is getting low and I am totally... Stupid right now.

Sometimes I feel like people are hating me. When you dislike someone, it means you dont like them, you are slowly hating them, you are slowly getting rid of them. Or is it just me. Come on these shits are confusing I really need some alcohol right now.

Fuck this shit. I really need a getaway.

Maybelline Baby Lips SPF20

I never really posted anything about this kind of 'stuff'. I recently bought this Maybelline SPF20 BabyLips. I think this one is so far my favourite. It has no whatever colour.

I, well, am a smoker so I always had this problem with my lips. Chapped and cracked all the time even if I drink tons of water! So I found that this lipbalm is so helpful, for any type of lady like me that hates make up, this is really good. When I spread it on my lips, I don't have that irritating feelings. Like previously I was using Nivea's, but I hate it how my lips turned pinkish and red-ish. Gah.

So basically, I really recommend this one. It moistures your lips and at the same time, when people see it in your purse they'll freak to death because it looks (not so) cute. Well, it's pink?

Ah crap. Am I trying to not feeling sad by crapping about some Maybelline product? Go to sleep.

Reality International Airport

I hate this place.

I only came here to think. Because when I come here I remember only one person that I love the most. Because only he can make me think. Which part of what I did was wrong. And how do I correct them.

I sent him to this place. The distance is so intense, I need strength to be cool about it.

They say life is a long journey. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. Well, I don't think it is long. Time makes it long. It is short. Short when you fear what will come to you the day after.

But that's life, we got to keep on moving forward. Satisfaction and desire are two different things.
We can never do things we want to do. Sometimes we gotta give it all to Him. Mistakes can be ecerywhere next to you. We all walked on the wrong path.

09:48AM

Life is crazy. Extremely crazy. When you're ready and prepared to jump into it, you can see a lot of obstacles falling down right to your head. You can see every different kind of sins standing right in front of you, to wait for your desire to loose. You can't feel the weight. You can't feel the pain outside. It's inside.

No one knows about being fucked up. Not even me. When you get hit by some misery shit and what you get is those cheap immature words from them who you thought were your closest person. Or do I have to mention: family

Words are dangerous. It can make you feel good despite the cruelty of it that it hides. We see what we can see, we cannot see what we cannot see. God only knows.

But when every truth is splattering, that's where you dont speak anymore. Because you have nothing else to say. All you need is a new chapter. Move on and see what comes next. Let Him lead.

I don't know what my parents expect from me. I don't know what they want from me. I really hope they know where I am going and what I want to do.

the bang bang

So it's 2 AM now and I really can't sleep. They say those who sleeps late tend to have creative mind. Really? I think so. Because I just cut my hair.

See.

How I recover from sadness.

Feeling sad is the last thing I ever want to have in life. It feels like the whole world is filled with dead people that is trying to find a formula that can make them come back to life. It feels like you are surrounded by walls, with no doors and windows. It feels like you're stranded in nowhere, alone. It feels like everyone is so stupid,including you. Mixed feelings. Well who can escape? Tell me.

Damn. I cant ask myself to stop feeling sad. Who can? But then, that there, is why we are given choice to believe in Him. We gain faith by believing in Him, the only one that will make us happy, not physically, but spiritually. We need Him to be happy. How can we feel sad when we know He is giving us something awesome that hasn't reach its perfect timing yet?

I get sad easily. Sigh a lot. Too many things to think! Tired of thinking! Gahhhhhhhhh.

That is why we have to wait. Patiently. Because He has given us everything. We all can get it so easily by believing. Have faith. Because everything is finished and your choice is the only thing left to do instead of feeling bad about eveything.

Things in the world are always crazy, stupid, miserable, confusing, complicated, pissing us off. But whenever we face those kind of situation, we stop for a minute and pray to God.

He is the one and only. Amen!

The Saturday Ingredients

So I was thinking about lots of things this morning when I woke up.

1. Insecurity
2. Friendship
3. Relationship
4. Faith

Well. I am a bit picky in friendship and relationship. When I want to make friends, I avoid the unwanted. This has nothing to do with isolation of course. But I have been with many people, well what can I say? Friends sometimes make you feel like you're the one that is standing firm on the wrong side. Even if you're not, your apology is their victory.
I care about my feelings. I don't use that i-dont-give-a-shit terms in friendship. When I give a shit, you can see me fading away. Less friends less dramas? Hipster me.  Fuck cares. ;)

So, lately. I spend most of my weekend, alone. Kinda depressing but in another view, it is really good.
But who wants to go for a karaoke alone?! I need my cousin Jasmine. Eventhough she is really annoying to me. Annoying in her kind of way. Damnit.

So today I went to Thomson Corner. It's a coffee shop. I ordered Ice Lemon Tea and Tomato Crispy Mee. Eh.. Total RM5.20. Freakin worth it. Haha.

I really miss him. This is the only place left for us to come to when we ran out of idea, where should we go.

Night is the only time for you to worry what'll come tomorrow.

I am wearing a yellow Tshirt

Well, what can I say. I can say I am having a lot of fun in my workplace. I just got back from lunch. Nearby. 3 minutes walk. Can't even burn the calories that is lingering inside me. I really have nothing to blog about. Life has been, same. For past few days and months. But I feel so good talking to myself here. It's like, when I talk and read at the same time, that is satisfaction. It's different from liking your own status on Facebook. Haha. Ahh feelin good I don't own one right now. If I know how Mark Zuckerberg/burg sounds like, his voice must be tickling my head. God.

Back to what I do for my living, I repair computers and googling stuff everyday. That includes Yoga Tutorials, Healthy Food Recipe (oh God knows I never cook them, or even try to cook them), Cool websites, Games, etc.
I also spend most of my times do farming! Farming in Clash of Clans and like, real farming! Hay Day! Gaaaaaad I hate that game but I love that game.

My lovely workspace.

So this is.. my workspace. I love it. It is my secondary bed, difference is I don't sleep here. I sit here staring at the computer. For 9 hours. Just kidding. I go out to sites. So, that is why I name it my secondary bed. I can't wait to get back here. Sooo comfy.

I wear shirts and flats to work. Thank you, Jesus. I hate high heels and formal outfits. 

I am planning on a resignation. I'm thinking about doing some food business. Wish me luck. ;-)

Strange, but it's true.

There are a lot of things happened lately that I have no freaking little time left for myself to update anything in this blog. Well, here I am, out of nowhere, posting random stuff.

I am working right now. Just so you know, I am an IT Assistant now. Heh. My dream job. Suddenly came true, that's the power of God you should wait and believe for, everyday.

Meanwhile, my life. Has been the same I guess. My period didn't go well, I skipped too much meals. Not to deduce weight but because I am having a career and alone in this town. I do have a housemate, we ate a lot together for dinner but I don't think our meals were healthy. But fuck cares, that is why my period didn't go well.

Miss the small apartment though. I feel so incomplete, not having him here with me. For one torturing year.

I just have to go through everything alone. Despite having this pretty annoying smiles on my face, I managed to at least cheer my brain a little. Scumbag brain. Brain never thought about what your heart tells you. But I always go for a brain instead. That rebellious feeling. Hah.

I spent my night life hanging out with friends. We basically discussed about how rubbish works in our daily life, so yeah we ended up enjoying sausage for no reason. (???)

And I pet a hedgehog! My boyfriend caught it for me. We found it running like a mouse that is in 'low-batt' mode, with redeyes. Gosh at first we thought that was some sort of a devil or some creepy creature. Since, we never knew anything about hedgehog, I mean, how it really looks like. Then, I googled and found out that it is an Albino hedgehog. Hehe. Have not discover the gender yet but I prefer to say it is a male. HE IS SO CUTE AND FAT AND LAZY like me. 

While listening to The Offspring's Self Esteem

Who wants to be awarded with a sad face on Thursday? Not me, not you.

It's pretty harsh to continue a lie, and unable to stop become a liar.

Damnit.

I just want to end everything. I've ruinned a lot of things and please, not to this upcoming good thing.

And one thing that pisses me off right now, that fucking SK-II ads on youtube.

Karma?

I don't really believe in karma, but sometimes, situation forces me to. This photo clearly explains 'karma'. But if I were the red-head, I'll feel proud of myself instead of feeling happy for the successful revenge. 

YAY!URR UNICORN

This is one of our Secretive creature, found in Vietnam, the saola or best to be called the Asian Unicorn.
Whoaaa we have a unicorn? Unlike the imaginary unicorn, this saola has two sharp horns.

They said that unicorn is a symbol of purity and grace and can only be seen by those virgins. I have no idea if it was true or not. But they also believed that its horn has the power to heal sickness and purify poisoned water. 

In one of his notebooks Leonardo da Vinci wrote:

"The unicorn, through its intemperance and not knowing how to control itself, for the love it bears to fair maidens forgets its ferocity and wildness; and laying aside all fear it will go up to a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it."

Shakespeare scholars describe unicorns being captured by a hunter standing in front of a tree, the unicorn goaded into charging; the hunter would step aside the last moment and the unicorn would embed its horn deeply into the tree.(source)


But today, I glanced through the Yahoo!News and found this article. and strucked too!

Head here for more information

From Borneo to le Zermatt

The stretch of Alpine mountains that runs through the country divides Europe into two. Zermatt, is a beautiful village that I really wanted to go to. Behind those mountains, there's a lot I can do. I really enjoy doing outdoor activities but.. here, in my town I'm living in right now, I never had the chance. I did. But I don't like that feeling of having a short-happiness. But I do feel grateful though.

I always wanted to get out from this country some day, after having enough money for me to afford everything--which includes my foods, shopping, a place to enjoy a long-spectacular rest (with whomever I go there with), beers, and etc.

And since Switzerland is having a well-developed train route system, that would be an awesome thing to try. I never get on a train since I was a foetus. I would love to travel by the panoramic train here in Switzerland and get a clear view of the country-side.

Buffering

I am getting really bored here. I came to work just for waiting the clock turns to 5 and go home. It is super relaxing but I just can't do this. Bahahah! I mean, I just can't do nothing. But it feels really good waking up in the morning, had breakfast in the car and morning cigars during the journey. I have an interview this saturday, though. I hope it went well.

This cat appeared at the door just now, asking for food. Actually he's doing it for his pregnant wife. :)

4:40p.m. now. Pffft. I am buffering here. 

Patience Level 9999

When you wanted to be so good, you don't just be good, you don't just go that way alone.

You know what I mean?

Well actually you can. But then, have you thought about your ability to make people--other people-- think that way? Think that you're good. You can't adjust them. You're lack of that talent. For god sake, you're very cool to me. But to others?

Everyone needs to be respect. Everyone needs it.

You'll notice the reason I crap about this shit in my blog, maybe one day, but maybe one not-going-to-happen day. Because I'm bad at telling people what to and what not to do. Because everytime I try to tell them, I didn't get the consideration, I get the guilt. And being an automated-competetitor. somehow.

But the main point is : please. I don't want to see anger everyday, I don't want to see hatred everyday.
I do have the mirror. I know I am like that too. But please, control it for the sake of joy.

You know what is my next mission?
PATIENCE LVL9999.