While listening to The Offspring's Self Esteem

Who wants to be awarded with a sad face on Thursday? Not me, not you.

It's pretty harsh to continue a lie, and unable to stop become a liar.

Damnit.

I just want to end everything. I've ruinned a lot of things and please, not to this upcoming good thing.

And one thing that pisses me off right now, that fucking SK-II ads on youtube.

Karma?

I don't really believe in karma, but sometimes, situation forces me to. This photo clearly explains 'karma'. But if I were the red-head, I'll feel proud of myself instead of feeling happy for the successful revenge. 

YAY!URR UNICORN

This is one of our Secretive creature, found in Vietnam, the saola or best to be called the Asian Unicorn.
Whoaaa we have a unicorn? Unlike the imaginary unicorn, this saola has two sharp horns.

They said that unicorn is a symbol of purity and grace and can only be seen by those virgins. I have no idea if it was true or not. But they also believed that its horn has the power to heal sickness and purify poisoned water. 

In one of his notebooks Leonardo da Vinci wrote:

"The unicorn, through its intemperance and not knowing how to control itself, for the love it bears to fair maidens forgets its ferocity and wildness; and laying aside all fear it will go up to a seated damsel and go to sleep in her lap, and thus the hunters take it."

Shakespeare scholars describe unicorns being captured by a hunter standing in front of a tree, the unicorn goaded into charging; the hunter would step aside the last moment and the unicorn would embed its horn deeply into the tree.(source)


But today, I glanced through the Yahoo!News and found this article. and strucked too!

Head here for more information

From Borneo to le Zermatt

The stretch of Alpine mountains that runs through the country divides Europe into two. Zermatt, is a beautiful village that I really wanted to go to. Behind those mountains, there's a lot I can do. I really enjoy doing outdoor activities but.. here, in my town I'm living in right now, I never had the chance. I did. But I don't like that feeling of having a short-happiness. But I do feel grateful though.

I always wanted to get out from this country some day, after having enough money for me to afford everything--which includes my foods, shopping, a place to enjoy a long-spectacular rest (with whomever I go there with), beers, and etc.

And since Switzerland is having a well-developed train route system, that would be an awesome thing to try. I never get on a train since I was a foetus. I would love to travel by the panoramic train here in Switzerland and get a clear view of the country-side.

Buffering

I am getting really bored here. I came to work just for waiting the clock turns to 5 and go home. It is super relaxing but I just can't do this. Bahahah! I mean, I just can't do nothing. But it feels really good waking up in the morning, had breakfast in the car and morning cigars during the journey. I have an interview this saturday, though. I hope it went well.

This cat appeared at the door just now, asking for food. Actually he's doing it for his pregnant wife. :)

4:40p.m. now. Pffft. I am buffering here. 

Patience Level 9999

When you wanted to be so good, you don't just be good, you don't just go that way alone.

You know what I mean?

Well actually you can. But then, have you thought about your ability to make people--other people-- think that way? Think that you're good. You can't adjust them. You're lack of that talent. For god sake, you're very cool to me. But to others?

Everyone needs to be respect. Everyone needs it.

You'll notice the reason I crap about this shit in my blog, maybe one day, but maybe one not-going-to-happen day. Because I'm bad at telling people what to and what not to do. Because everytime I try to tell them, I didn't get the consideration, I get the guilt. And being an automated-competetitor. somehow.

But the main point is : please. I don't want to see anger everyday, I don't want to see hatred everyday.
I do have the mirror. I know I am like that too. But please, control it for the sake of joy.

You know what is my next mission?
PATIENCE LVL9999.

Few friends might help me with this situation.

I am looking at the bottom left of my purse to see if I have anything left to get myself some snacks and drinks at the convenience store.

I told myself that I got nothing left and the lizzard tsk at my statement so I run to my bed and turn on the TV and watch some chinese movies.

Life is so funny.

It put me in this horrible situation. I am looking at people laughing out so loud with their friends and I realized...

I should find some friend.

Is that Nature

Don't tell me ‘a handbag looks beautiful’. I just really really can't see a beauty on a handbag. well unless it's leather and world can call it a SLINGBAG? I know what is your next question will be. “How old are you?!”

Let me ease you. I’m 21. As 21 as hell. I am very keen in being this young, but have to go through what old people went through. I know what are you going to say next. “You don’t know how they feel. You don’t know what they went through.”

Okay. I don’t. But at least I know a little piece of it. Let me tell you one thing about myself. I keep changing thoughts. I think I’m very awesome at that. I can have thirty five thoughts in 10 seconds. And change them in the next micro-sec.

You know. I really really really really don’t like money. But I really really really really need money. I know that statement’s a psycopath but hey. I mean it.

So let’s go back to the handbag case.

I seriously don’t get it. When people wanted beauty so much. When some people want to be tan. Some want to be a little bit dark. And some(like me) want to have a smooth armpits like those photoshop-ed celebrities.

Is that Nature? Hit me with your opinion. I seriously hate this feeling of wanting a smooth armpits. 

Die maybe

I just don’t feel like going outside and see people, or even glance through them. I really don’t know what I really want. I always wondered, how is my future going to look like.

I mean, come on. There are so many happy people out there doing their stuff with their friends. I just don’t have any. I do, but they’re not even here. As if it’s gonna be fun talking to them only connected through Mark Zuckerberg’s famous invention. Pff.

I don’t want money anymore to buy things I want to. I just need money to pay all these sickening bills and house rent. I hate being in this situation but what else I can do? Run away and forget everything and start a same new problems out there, alone?

I don’t want to look at my parents. And family.

I’m not motivated, I will never be.

I’ve lost everything. Trust, appetite, favourite things, orgasm. Everything. What else? Let go of this computer and that printer I recently bought?

Insane.

Maybe I should take a long rest and die. 

Do they even have souls?

Because I think I just ate them all

Sometimes...

Sometimes

When you write too much about your life and realize the word 'sometimes' plays too many role in your life. It somehow becomes an early conclusion to what you're going to do. It sounds like you're defeated, predictably, but it also sounds like a victory comes together with a big smile on your face.

Lisa Ekdahl "Now or Never"

#SongOfTheDay



I have no idea when was the first time I listened to this beautiful song. What I know is.. her voice sounds exactly same like my friend's(Satrina Jeafry). Well I do hope she google her name because I want her to read this post. Since I haven't seen her in a while.

This song is obviosly about someone she waited for so long to be with. Probably, she's been on this excrutiating wait and fed up and grab a pen and put this lyrics on. Her voice is fascinating, anyone can fall in love listening to it. Too bad, I'm a girl and isn't single anymore. Heheh!



Lisa Ekdahl-Now or Never (lyrics)

Hey there baby make up your mind
'Cause I've been waiting such a long, long time

Now baby or never 'cause I been so good to you
Now baby or never 'cause I've been so lonesome, too
Now baby or never if I mean anything to you
Now baby or never 'cause I've wasted so much time
Now baby or never and you must make up your mind
Now baby or never it ain't no fault of mine
It's got to be yes or no
It's either you stay or go
You can't leave me on the shelf
You gotta commit yourself

It's either you will, or you won't fall In love with me
I'm gonna call you once more on the telephone
I'll give you till twelve then I'll be gone

April 2013 : A Getaway to KK

This is an old story. About me and my friend had our short vacation to this lovely place, Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. This wasn't my first time for KK but still, whenever you have your best buddy with you, the trip is going to be fun. 

I didn't bring any cash. Well I did, but only few bucks and I assume that as zero. I reached KK with bad feelings. I don't know where to go and what to do. Even if that was not my first time being in KK. I studied in Sabah Foundation College in 2009 for a year but I quit for a major reason anyone can have, MONEY. But that was few years ago. KK had changed a lot. That instant. or it's just my bad memories.

So, after 15 minutes of waiting, my friend finally reached and she asked me where to go. Going for a hotel-hunt was not a bad idea so we grab a cab and head to the town. Yeah, tired. Heavy backpack and shits. We finally found a cheap hotel named ...err I don't think I'm going to mention the name here because I'll tell you why, later. 

Single bed for two single lady. That sounds awkward,huh? Not when you know you're straight enough to do so. Cut cost so that's it. A single bedroom sounds good. That tv pissed me very well since I have to search for the channel manually. Although I'm not in the mood for watching tv. Just feel like lying down watching some good movies. Too bad, no good movies.

I'll tell you the reason why I'm not mentioning the hotel's name. It's because....this room scared me with the cockroaches. My friend paid RM60 a night not to see a fucking cockroach landed in my beer?!

And also, she bought me beers too. What a friend! but damn that cocky.

First day in KK, head to the bundle palace. Not really a palace. Haha. We bought cheap awesome clothes! I swear they were very cheap and in good condition.

That's my friend. She was wearing that sweater I bought at the same place few years ago. Hahaha I don't know if she noticed that or not.

The next day, we walked to Centrepoint Mall, located exactly in the middle of the not-so-busy town. We just walked the whole day for our eyes. Lookin for stuff and tried on some wigs.

That's me. Do I look similar to this guy?

Meh.. Just an attempt on having the same thick hair with Jesse Pintado. Btw, he died. R.I.P.

We also met few friends in KK. And up with a brilliant idea. We're going to Kundasang! I always wanted to go there. and I nailed it. It was a beautiful place, and beautiful temperature. hahaha.

A sudden situation that pissed me off very well

I have been scratching my arms for 10 minutes discontinuously. I had no idea what the heck is going on with my skin. It irritates very much everytime I finished my shower. I am using Dove Bar soap and is that the reason?

Skip that.

I am doing just fine these few days. And I imagined a lot of things lately. Especially about my future. I thought about starting a so called 'new life' somewhere out of this country. I distaste every random things that is happening around, especially the people.

Remember about my last post(I strictly believe that no one reads my blog) which I mentioned about 'I am a hater' ? Yes, I am. Maybe to be precisely clear. I am a hater because I received rude answers from people, that 'disgusted' look everytime I am asking for specification of an expensive gadgets. Like, come on.

Today I went to Everrise for an instant groceries shopping. While I am waiting for the cashier to RECOUNT the balance(I don't know what took them so long for that), I glanced to my left and right and heard a conversation of three workers. One of them was the cleaner which obviously means he is the one who's holding the broom and the dustpan. And the other two bastards probably are the supervisor or shit. I don't know. "Clean that up!!" one of the two bastard angrily point at a piece of rubbish(roughly sized around 5cm x 5cm) and the humble cleaner dude swept it to the dustpan and asked one of the two bastards "You celebrate Raya?"

Look. This isn't about the question. This is about the look on his face. He asked it with bursting fear, he was trying to have a communication with them two bastards. And that guy pretend like no one was asking him question. with that face. Holy lord, what is wrong with that guy.

That's ONE of rude appearance I dislike which I have to deal with, everyday.

I'm not saying that other countries don't have these types of people. It's just... I just want to give it a shot, you know?

I wanna live in Sweden so much. Don't ask me why, I'll hit you with a long list of reasons. And I don't want to do so.

Check out my parcel

I received a parcel from my mom yesterday. She sent me a handmade patchwork blanket. It is so damn comfortable I can sleep the whole day without considering the classes I have.

And that owl pillowcase. I bought that fabric a year ago and leave it rust in a box. And finally my mom found it and made me this pillowcase. :-)

Baggage

I know by asking you this question "Do you carry any baggage?" does not make me look or sound caring. But I am trying to. Everyone is carrying a baggage. A baggage is like, a compulsory thing you have to... you ought to carry. Well, you can't use the word 'unlike' here.

"Unlike her, my baggage is heavier" 

"Unlike him, my baggage looks cooler"

Nope. 

The reason why you can't use the word 'unlike' is because there will be at least a thousand persons in this world, having the similar baggage with you. It's just that you don't know who they are.

I am getting fed up with my problems. I don't feel like waking up in the morning and have a nice breakfast. I don't feel like going to cool places. I don't feel like talking to anyone and I don't feel like holding a beer and have fun with my friends. I don't know. I have friends? 

I am currently having many baggages. You know, one of them surely be labelled 'Still asking money from my parents'. That isn't cool for a lady aged 21. or just isn't cool for me.

Being a young adult is insane. 

I have no idea with my future and jobs. Maybe I should just stick my butt to my bed and sleep because If I'm not sleeping, I'm not producing anything either. Or maybe I should get the hell up and do something. 

Yeah, maybe I should just go to sleep and relax. 

I am a hater.

Who can deal with emotion? I can't. Can you?

I don't know and not sure about this but I can say I'm a terrible hater, currently. Everyone is stupid to me. They make mistake. I'll have no problem when they hit me with some major mistakes like giving me wrong answers for my questions or giving me a fail sets of codes for my tutorial.

But, these people.. Ah. They really start the fire and do the evil laugh.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Should I just ignore them or what? I can't ignore stupid people. They really need to be fixed, man. I am stupid too but I know my limits. What can replace the word 'stupid'? Stereotypical bastard.
How does it feel, when you're in this conversation, which consists of 4 to 5 persons. They started to laugh at... I don't know. A joke? But I don't think that's a joke, dude seriously? I don't feel like want to laugh as hard as they enjoy the farts while laughing.

And you know, there will be this important character, in everything I do and everywhere I go.
He gets hyper when he sees girls. Especially a girl with a tight tanktop with a short skirts and that slow-kind of smile and that..you know..that baby-crying when she gets teased? Fuck off. He gets hyper instantly, man. Sakai. And right after that girl leaves, he acts normal. I think a guy like that should destruct himself right in the middle of a gunfight. As soon as possible if can.

Nah, I'm right. I am a hater. Fuck me. Goodnight.

Don't Stay Home

Why would I stay at home when this turns me on all the time. Damn it, KE.

25th July 2013 : Carpooling #2

Unfortunately, I didn't go to class. I, therefore, have no true story to tell. Haha

24th July 2013 : Carpooling #1

I drew a norm on a piece of a paper. That paper does not exist. 

Dude. Today was normal. It flows... nahhhh not perfectly or shits, just normal. 

I had an eight-to-five class schedule today. I can say it was tiring but I saw something that made me think for few seconds : Are you sure you're tired? of these classes? sitting in an air-conditioned room.. with comfortable chairs and had fun with your Slender?

Yea. I asked myself these question and blinked. Whoa. That was holy intense, man. 

Straight to the point. I woke up at 5 freaking cold morning today. Due to some technical difficulties. Squeak. Squawk. Squeal. Grind. It's the sound of brakes going bad! But, seriously. It really needs a lot of cash to get over this problem, instantly. So we decided to carpool. Luckily our friend, Baw, is a help-master. I couldn't thank him in any way. Saying 'thanks' is the only thing I can honestly give in return. 

Sorry, but here's a funny story about few Malaysian. I am not sure about the peninsula, but most of us Sarawakian, pronounce Thank You or Thanks in this some kind of hillarious way. It sounds like this, man. "Teng-Q". Whatever, back to my story.

Carpool.

So, since I had class at 8 A.M and their working hours started 1 hour earlier than usual due to Ramadan, which had to be at 6 A.M, I had to drop them at their workplace (oh, yeah..they work at the same company) and had to wait for two hours for college. You get it, I hope. It's two damn hours. I don't think I can go back home and take any kind of beautiful nap. The distance of my house to my campus, empty wallet, running out of fuels. That's somehow terrifying. Please agree.

I had no options so I went to this shop lot nearby and listened to Rob Stewart for few minutes and turn off the engine and I had no idea what the hell I was doing just now. But time flies, maniacs. 

I went to my college at 7:45 A.M. Gave the car the most sheltered space, next to the shrubs and get the hell out of the car. I sighed. I know I wasn't suppose to do so. But I didn't give a fuck about that, I sighed badly. Sleepy, lazy, hungry. 

But suddenly...

There's a construction site somewhere opposite my college. There were sooooooo many workers, on the rooftops, hit by the direct sunlight, no shelter, no shrubs, but a safety helmet.

The thing that made me sad is... I am not sure of how many children they have, and bills and shits. I didn't mean that those are poor workers, it's just that... I am not suppose to complain about my life. I have chairs, desks, computers, air-conditioned room, friends to play counter-strike with, etc. 

But them? 

Ted Mosby's witfe.

I have spent too much time, of my life.. Just to wait for this lady to appear on my screen. 

The Mother. Well done, Ted. After bangin' so many chicks from the McClaren. Hah

Bushy, Tiny Masters Of Today

Behind her chary-looking performance, there are words she's trying to tell the world. Instead of getting hyper on stage she accidentally decided to just stand on her quiet feet and speak out. I found this video on youtube while I was watching The Gits. As usual, I ventured to related links on the sidebar and I found this and I googled them up. 

// Tiny Master of Today

Consists of two siblings Ivan(age 13) & Ada(age 11). Bushy, one of their track from the Bang Bang Boom Cake is a song obviously about how they dislike the president 'bushy'. 

Lyric :

Tell you what your worth to me 
A little less than a penny 
All my friends agree with me 
You’re the worst president Bushy 
Lying to the people and they don’t care 
Cos you’re the one with pink underwear 
Talk to the government and they agree 
You’re the worst president Bushy

Worthless denial and shake one's head

Both sides are denying. 

How can by saying "I'm fine" can extend the whole story? Even it only takes 2 awkward seconds to say that.

It all started on a quiet and cold night, drizzly rain wetting the roof of the apartment. She could hear the sound of the rain tapping the roof clearly. They'll get bored every minute, every minute which means they'll easily get bored no matter what.

But then, all they could do is just sit down on that old smelly couch and patiently wait for the day to end.

Yesterday ends with distress.

She walked that path and regret but by the time she regrets, he came. He turned on the signal light instead, then she realized that path she walked is already dead.

How I deal with people around me

I, despite living with someone who is not at home during lunch, able to have lunch by myself--currently.

That isn't an achievement. I know.. My point is, sometimes being alone is not as hard as you imagined. It only requires some happy messages to reach your brain and make it happen. 

A loner is a sad person? No. Some people like to be alone. Some people don't. Some people want to be alone. Some people don't. There are so many different behaviour & temperament that surround us. 

I (somehow) found it very hard-to-get periodically. It depends on how people expose that feeling. Either showing me their angry faces, or by a serious implication to my ... to my... I don't know. Maybe to my career or else? Or sarcastically make me a God. 

You know? Too much.
Sometimes we can't impeccably take what they give; until we can indirectly see what they are attempting to convey.

That's how I deal with people. Not in the past.

Well sometimes, a very stupid thing can ruinned your whole day. And the most stupid part is when you know that stupid thing, is a technical effect of yourself talking about your stupid life.

Note : Don't be stupid.

A place that is sick at heart

When a place releases loud noises like laughter and shits, that place may seem happy. I immaculately believe that those loud noises may create somekind of a miniature silhoutte in my head and jump out of my eyes; that place.. is full of disconsolation. 

It is. 

The Small Apartment

Remember about the small apartment I live in? I talked about, recently? 

I'm moving out this September. This space is bittersweet. There are happy and unhappy things revolved around here, at the same time. But the thing I didn't noticed about this house is .. It rebounds my life from miserable to unruffled. My mistakes maul my presence today but this house,somehow, tells me to move on.

Can you imagine how a weak, childish, boyish, easy-exasperate lady.. turned into an unsophisticated person? You may retort with a short opinion.

Because mindfuck that's why.

It feels horrible when the night before I fell asleep, I suddenly thought of this situation :

I have a family which consists of me, a sister, a quiet father and a loud mother. I do have a brother. He was adopted, many years ago before I was even born. He's really good. Really good in giving us troubles and hard times. Which obviously makes each and everyone of us dislikes him. But God only knows, somewhere deep down in our heart, we love him. We just don't expose that feeling, physically.
My family never took a family portrait, you know, by what I am saying here, a family portrait which clearly means me, my sister and my mom and dad, aren't in the picture TOGETHER.

Well, here's the story about what I had reflected in my mind that night.

IF *cough*

If one day, we decide to take a photo of our family, my mom and my sister don't want the 'brother' to be in the photo, I will be his stupid hero. I will confront both my mom and sister and tell them not to do so. I will tell them no matter what happened, he is still a part of the family. (ah come on this sounds really stupid, I really hope that you still remember that THIS is about my thoughts the night before I fell asleep, please read the first sentence of this post. Just in case I sound like I am not who I am.. blehh I am not a nice lady though)

I'm going to skip this to the end.

So, we'll have a desperate piece of a family portrait. Finally.

The end. 

*cough slowly*

Back to the night before I fell asleep. I was on my bed and giggled about that story I visualized few minutes before I fell asleep. After a few minutes, probably a few hours, I had a BAD(when I capitalize a letter that means it is a SERIOUS shit) BAD BAD dream. I dreamnt about my brother tried to strangle me and watch me die in his hands,dude..not arms. If I'm not mistaken, he wore white gloves.

? 

Man, I was trying to be nice. That is so opposite. Why?!

photo taken at : http://ironlungpv.bandcamp.com/album/white-glove-test-lp-cd

BECAUSE MINDFUCK THAT'S WHY.

The Secret Wall

Filthy Cherub

Imitation of your Lies.

The House

I live in a, small apartment. Sized with one rectangle with three small square rooms. and a smaller bathroom and a kitchen. The dining room is the living room. But I never had a tv-dinner since the tv is not functioning; ever since I brought my intention to have tv-dinner into the house.

I am very professional in dreaming big things. You can tell. You can see the output very well through this snapshots :

Its okay. Life is fair, it only takes time to be fair. or else, its bullshit.